Why I left the Classroom Part 1

As many of you have seen from my Instagram, I have started to work for VIPKid. For those wondering, yes, I did leave the brick and mortar classroom.  This was an extremely difficult decision, but a decision that needed to be made for the sake of my mental and physical health.

This post is a little about my decision to leave the classroom, and my new journey with VIPKid. 

I want to preface this post with a quick statement. This experience applies to me personally. My experience in the classroom should not be a universal reflection of teaching.This is my personal story- this is my experience in the classroom. And why, ultimately, I had to step away. 

I was a classroom teacher for 7 years, and while I am no longer in the classroom, there are still some memories that I cherish. Working with the children was never the problem. In fact, the kids are what kept me holding on for so long. Everything else that piles on as a teacher is what slowly decreased my health.

I taught at a school that specialized in individualized education. This means that a teacher is to teach the grade-level standards to the class in conjunction with providing individual lessons for each of her students. Some students may need intervention, extension, or both. This was the teacher's job to look at the data across the curriculum and provide for each individual child. The class sizes were small, so in theory, this would allow for a teacher to meet all of the expectations. 

While I thoroughly enjoyed the small classes, even having 10 students became too overwhelming for me to teach under this type of model. The needs and the disparity of levels of the students grew tremendously, and suddenly I found myself drowning. Once I would finish my basic homeroom lesson plans, I then had to begin planning for the individual child. Of course, I could never get it done within my prep. So usually, this work would come home with me at night, and then I could finish it by Saturday. I was a pro at utilizing my prep time and any moments I had before or after school to get things done. But I always found myself thinking about what else could/needed to be done. Keep in mind this was on top of the already completed grade-level lesson plans, individualized homework, reading, and math activities. 

My train of thought was: "What can I let go of that won't make my teaching day harder? If you just do the one more modification or accommodation, it is going to make your overall week better. If you don't do _______, then this student will struggle, which will snowball into ________, then you will have to reteach anyways." The thoughts go on and on. I could not quiet them, nor just leave work at work. 

As some of you may know, teachers have to keep data. We have to demonstrate that our students are growing (rightly so). We have to communicate to parents daily or weekly. We are on committees. We are constantly growing and trying to learn more ways to keep up student engagement (usually on our own time and dime).  We are planning fun and engaging lessons and/or activities (usually on our own dime). 

All of these responsibilities that I once loved, suddenly were becoming burdensome. A big big burden. Ultimately, it lead to negative affects on my mental and physical health. 

I was truly unhappy. My mood was absolutely horrible (bless my husband for all he did during this time). I had to save all my emotional and physical energy for work. So there was no room for anyone else. At the time, I was unable to connect with my husband, friends, or family in a way that was truly authentic. If I wasn't working, all I wanted to do was be in front of the T.V. or asleep. I was easily agitated. I remember being in my kitchen one evening after I snapped at my husband over nothing-- literally, nothing. There was absolutely no reason for me to have used the tone that I did. I could tell I  hurt his feelings. This behavior had been going on for quite some time now. It was wearing on him. As he walked out the kitchen, I remember thinking, "Who are you becoming? This is not worth the unhappiness you feel, or to your home." 

The anxiety and stress I was putting my body under began to manifest itself physically. My body started doing things that it had never done before (and which I will not disclose--too personal). I knew that I needed to make a change. For the sake of my health, my self-care, and my family. After consulting my doctors and husband, it was decided that the healthiest thing to do would be to medically resign from my position as a teacher. 

I can't quite explain how difficult this decision was for me. How many times I told myself "that I could just tough it out" or "to suck it up." I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was letting my students down. With help from my supportive husband, close friends, and family, I realized that with the state of my health I was unable to be the teacher that my students deserved. It's that cheesy line: "you have to put your own face mask on first." Well, I wasn't; I was trying to service all of their needs first (not giving them 100% of me, but 150% of me). Realizing that I needed to step away for a while to recharge and heal felt like Daylight (and yes that is a Taylor Swift reference, and yes that song totally helped me through the rollercoaster of the medical resignation). 

This is all still relatively fresh. There are moments where I still feel like a failure or weak, because I had to leave. But when the logical side of me steps back in, I realize that this is what I needed right now in this season of my life. I taught my little heart out for 7 years. It needs a little bit of a break. So, I try to remember that feeling of daylight. In a way, I am rediscovering things about me. During my time as a teacher, there were many things outside of work that loss their joy. I'm stumbling upon the things that I once enjoyed in life. The small things. And, I'm learning new things about teaching (more to come on this in part 2)!

I want to restate that this is my personal experience with teaching. There are many individuals who strive and do very well in the classroom. But, I think it is also important for people to know that the teacher struggle is real! Even for the fabulous ones still in the classroom.

If you are a teacher feeling like you need to leave, THAT IS OK! It doesn't mean that you aren't a fantastic teacher. It doesn't mean that you aren't strong. It doesn't mean that you aren't brave. You are a fantastic teacher. You are strong. You are brave. It is ok to admit that teaching is hard for you. It is ok to step-away and recharge. Recharging and healing may look completely different for you than it was for me. Find what will heal you and help you become the best you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to head over to my blog, and read my story. I appreciate all the love and support. 

This post will continue in Part 2! I will discuss what I am up to now, VIPKid, and the joys that I have found in teaching and in life! 

Jezu Ufam Tobie